Query Letter as per Writer's Guide Format

[Tylrdrk8]

Ok, here's my query letter.
It's been revised at least 100 times...and yet nothing. Here's the format that I decided to go with after reading it in 2004 Writer's Market. This is where is sits today.

Dear...

In Crabshaw, Kentucky there is a century old legend. The door of an abandoned barn bleeds on the anniversary, as a macabre reminder, of a boy's tragic death. Some in the small town believe it was an accident, others are convinced it was murder.
Still in the midst of mourning her sister's savage slaying, Dr. Mikal Cahill and her partner, Dr. Nick Stanton, parapsychologists with the FBI, are called to investigate. As the two specialists begin to uncover the truth, through DNA analysis, the witnessing of haunts, and the gentle prodding of Mikal's sister's spirit, that the case is actually a family's hundred year old curse, a family of which Nick is a member.
The Other Side: The Bleeding Door is the introductory novel of a mystery/occult series for young readers, ages 12 and up. Throughout the series, the murdered spirit of Mikal's sister returns periodically to aid in the solving of certain cases; Nick and Mikal's relationship develops romantically, up until his death, which cause Mikal to be fired from the FBI. Her new position with the Department of Psychology at UCLA leads her to discover that Nick was part of a cloning experiment and may still be alive, and that her was raised under the town that they first investigated, in The Bleeding Door.

And then the closing...

OY! After reading this over, for the first time in awhile I realize that I am focussing more on the series the the first book. Should there me more meat to this, I don't want it to be too long and lose the editors interest? Any comments would be super fabulous.
Thanks
Drake

[vicki]

well, just by reading it, I don't feel any passion. No "Feeling" in the story. I don't feel the horror or mystery of the details.

Another thing, it reads too much like an adult story. Do you have teenage characters that help in the investigation? Or is it just the girl's spirit? Why would teenagers want to read this story? That's what you need to answer and use in your query.

[Tylrdrk8]

You know thanks for that, you are absolutely right. I think over the years of rewriting it, I lost the original enthusiasm for the story. I was trying too much to follow a certain formula, and I think it backfired on me. I will definately be reworking it and I'll let you know what I get.
Cheers

[Tylrdrk8]

Re: Proposed Fiction Book: The Other Side: The Bleeding Door

Dear

The pop of the refrigerator from the coolant running through the pips, or a ghost attempting a midnight snack? The creaking of the floorboards contracting after a day in the sun, or a goblin scurrying down the hallway? A tree branch tapping at the outside of your bedroom window, or a witch on her broom, clawing to get in? How many nights as a child did you lie awake with the covers tightly tucked under your chin, fearing the things that go bump in the night?
Travel with parapsychologists Dr. Mikal Cahill and her partner Dr. Nick Stanton, through fictitious plotlines to find the truth behind the myths and legends surrounding actual paranormal phenomena.

In the introductory novel of a mystery/occult series for young adults ages 12 and up, in Crabshaw, Kentucky there is a century old legend. The door of an abandoned barn bleeds as a macabre reminder of a boy's tragic death. Some in the small town believe it was an accident, others are convinced it was murder. Today a young hunter and his sister witness the infamous haunts of the town's folklore, the banging and creaking of the Old McLean Cane-Mill. The same cane-mill that had been torn down and replaced with the town's storage barn, a half century prior.
Still in the midst of mourning her sister's savage slaying, Dr. Cahill and her partner embark on an investigation filled with bizarre occurrences. As the two specialists, with the FBI begin to uncover the truth, with the DNA analysis of a young boy's fragile remains, the bloody barn door, the witnessing of haunts by her partner Nick, and the gentle prodding of her sister's spirit, Mikal discovers that the case is a family's hundred year old curse. A family of which Nick is a member.

Throughout this series the murdered spirit of Mikal's sister returns to aid in the solving of certain cases; such as The Skull of Doom, based on the actual Mitchell-Hedges crystal skull, believed to hold the power of death over all who mock it; The Eldridge, based on the disappearance of the U.S.S Eldridge, a ship Albert Einstein believed to have been a victim of a quantum time rift and The Changing Room, about a room in a house that every time you open the door, it's a different era. Dr. Mikal Cahill and her partner Dr. Nick Stanton's relationship develops romantically, up until his death that causes Mikal to be fired from the FBI. Her work with the department of Psychology at UCLA, leads her to discover that Nick was part of a cloning experiment, which takes her back to the small town of Crabshaw, Kentucky.

Then the closing...
Better I think...

[D.Uplip]

Oh no you must really be disappointed. Well i wouldnt worry if the interview went well then the signature may be over looked. Did you get a call back?